Chronic Tardiness, You Say?
by Nahkriin
Summary: Kakashi stops to help an old lady cross the street on his way to meet with team 7...but everything just goes horribly, horribly wrong...just...horribly so.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer - I do not own Naruto, Nor Kakashi, Nor Sakura, Nor Sasuke, I believe the only original character in this story is the old lady…everything belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, who's pretty much the awesome-est dude alive because he created Naruto…yup, that's all._

**Rated...**  
T…Most likely due to use of profanity (nothing extreme), and some graphical, and/or disturbing scenes that are just plain wrong…along with some suggestive themes…perhaps. I haven't written it yet, of course, and therefore I may revise my rating after I write it…Yeah.

**Chronic Tardiness, you say…?**

**One-Shot - Kakashi stops to help an old lady across the street…**

Naruto was pacing, Sasuke was brooding as always, and Sakura was sitting down, sighing every five minutes or so.

"Grrr! That damn Kakashi! Why is he always so late!" Naruto seethed, still pacing restlessly.

"Your legs are gonna spontaneously combust if you keep on pacing like that, dobe…" Sasuke said coolly, causing Sakura to swoon as always. The guy could shift a muscle in the slightest manner possible and she would be sure to notice and respond in the same manner as always…

"Sasuke-Kun! You're sooo cool!" She blushed, but Sasuke ignored her for the most part. Naruto had a concerned look on his face.

"A-are you serious, Sasuke?" Naruto's voice was full of worry, and he glanced down at his legs, gulping visibly.

"Yeah…and my kunai will jump out of it's pouch and start doing the ramba, too." Sasuke said, still…brooding. Sakura took this the wrong way (the perverted type of way) and blushed, giggling to herself. Naruto took a full minute or two standing still with a blank look on his face before he realized that Sasuke had insulted him.

"HEY!" He shouted, pointing a finger at him. Sasuke glared in return.

"You better not insult me! I'm gonna be the hokage one day, and you'll see…Yeah! I'll make you do all kinds of crap and you'll be complaining and stuff but I'll just laugh in the background and watch as you lift all this heavy stuff and and…" Naruto's carry-on insult continued for a few more seconds before Sakura stormed up to him and punched him over the head.

"Hey! Why'd you…"

"Baka!" She cut him off, glaring. Inner Sakura roared "Don't diss my precious sasuke, you loser!" Naruto had a somewhat mortified look on his face as Sakura began to seethe and flames erupted from her hair, as she started going on about the way she was planning to castrate him and…well, I don't wanna go there…and Sasuke had moved further away from them, brooding heavily. What a freakin' emo.

"Yo…"

Kakashi was immediately met by a barrage of incomprehensive shouting (from Sakura and Naruto, of course) though he could make out the words "late", "irresponsible", and something that sounded dangerously like a threat to remove him of his most prized possessions, which he was sure came from Sakura, and Sasuke was in the background as always, brooding.

Why is he one of the most popular characters in the damn series if all he ever does is confine himself to his thoughts and dwell on defeating his brother…? The guy's practically a mute…I just don't understand. Kakashi thought to himself.

"I'm sorry for being late…" He begin, but was quickly drowned out by Sakura and Naruto. He continued, undaunted.

"…But I stopped to help and old lady with a bag full of groceries cross the street and…"

The two continued to verbally murder him, while he simply continued talking.

"…Ran into some rather unpleasant people who attempted to kidnap the old lady, who turned out to be a rather famous figure and…"

He paused, looking at the two to see if they were paying attention to their sensei. Sakura was, of course, still yelling at him like he had murdered her mother, and Naruto had apparently gotten bored with screaming and had begun to count his fingers. Kakashi sighed.

Oh well…I knew they wouldn't believe me…it was a worth a try, though.

- Nearly Three Hours Earlier -

"…Oh, my…" A rather girlish giggle escaped Kakashi's mouth, as he blushed ever so slightly, pouring over the orangish-pinkish book, Come Come Gone Wild, oblivious to everyone around him and completely immersed within the pornographic book in which he spent most of his time reading. Though, the new volume had finally come in…

Jiraiya-Sama… He thought, adding in the honorific in respect to both the famous peeping tom's reputation as a Saanin, one of the three legendary ninja trained under the sandaime hokage, and in honor of the man whom had so masterfully created the masterpiece which he held in his hands. The experience was almost…  
His chain of thought was broken as he noticed a poor, miniscule old lady struggling to lift her bag of heavy groceries. He looked at the walk/don't walk sign…walk. He sighed. It was rather busy today, traffic was killer…she might have to wait a bit before she could get another chance to cross the busy street, and Kakashi's kind self got the best of him…well, sorta. He grinned…Yeah, the ladies simply adored a kind, gentle man. This was a good opportunity for him…

He paused for a brief moment, looking at the busy street, the cars, et cetera, wondering when Konoha ever looked like this before. Figuring it was some random twist to help explain why an old lady would need help in crossing the streets of Konoha by the author (I mean, seriously, she's crossing the freakin' street of freakin' Konoha…are there any cars in Konoha? Nope, haven't seen one. What's gonna run over her, Gaara's gourd?), he walked his way over to her, smiling (though he figured it didn't matter anyways, because she most likely could not see behind his mask), and offered her a hand. She stared at him.

_Poor thing…she's so old. She must be nearly blind or something like that…I wonder if-_

The old lady growled and slapped his hand away violently, glaring up at him.

"Listen, bub! I know I still look pretty damn good, considering my age and whatnot, but don't think you can simply molest me in public because you're bigger, stronger, and have raging hormones!"

Kakashi blinked. Well. Maybe he had been mistaken.

"Of course, it wouldn't count as molestation if you took me to your place and did it there, you know…momma's still got junk in the trunk, if you wanna rummage around in the glove compartment!"

Kakashi shuddered, a chill spreading through his body…he tightened his grip on Come Come Gone Wild, one of his only pleasures in life. It seemed to feed him strength.

"I…just wanted to know if you needed any help carrying those heavy groceries across the street, ma'am." He said in a cautious tone, wary of what the old, obviously in-desperate-need of a lover (or at least a blow-up doll) lady would say.

She seemed to find the offer very humorous, cackling like an old person (which she was…tee hee, I love old people, they're so…aged.).

"My "groceries", you say? My, my, my, young man! Are they really that heavy…?" She said, looking down at her chest.

Kakashi's heart seeemed to stop. Oh, dear lord…

"That's not what I meant…now do you want my help or not? You're supposed to be a freakin' old lady, now act like one, dammit." Kakashi spat out before he was able to rethink what he was saying. Oops.

"What did you call me?" She screamed, a fire seeming to burn within her eyes in an all-too gai sensei-ish type of manner. She lifted the groceries with one hand, causing Kakashi's visible eye to widen in surprise, and threw a rather large watermelon at him. Taken aback by the old woman's strength, he didn't have time to dodge the watermelon as it hit him straight in the stomach, knocked him down to the ground, as well as knocking the wind out of his body. He grimaced in pain…he was a freakin' jounin, had the freakin' sharingan eye, and he pretty much got his ass handed to him by a crazy, perverted old lady.

"Yeah, you like that, bitch!" She screamed, sounding like fingernails on chalkboard. He winced…Ow. He hated that sound. A lot. It used to make him weep when he was little, just like the time his kitty got ran over...by his dad's non-existant car, which doesn't exist, 'cuz this is freakin' Konoha. But it did exist this time around, because the author likes messing with stuff...and therefore, yeah.

She ran over to him and kicked him in the stomach, then proceeded to reach for her cane and hit him numerous times with it, while he remained glued to the ground, pain racking his body.

"So…that's her, eh?" Kisame whispered, taking a sip from his coffee, the other people that currently occupied the starbucks seemingly oblivious to the rather odd appearance of the half-shark, towering, weird-cloaky-thingyed guy sitting next to a similar strangely dressed man.

(Note the author's complete lack of respect for the Naruto universe's lack of practically anything that exists in this fic…yeah, that's right! It's my fic, so you'll have to deal with whatever I put in it, woman!)

"Foolish Kisame…Do you not foolishly recognize the foolish man whom is currently being foolishly beaten by the foolish cane of the old, foolish…"

"Itachi, shut the hell up with the foolish talk. You've been doing it ever since you freakin' joined Akatsuki. You're no longer giving your brother a dramatic, sappy speech about his foolishness, you're freakin' in an evil organization thingy…yeah. You sound like a dick."

The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, but that's just a metaphor, so in reality you'd be cutting air and everyone around you would be like, "dude, WTF, he's like totally cutting the air, what a loser." In which afterwards you would go breed like Sasuke because you were a freakin' emo if you were cutting the air, so that's what I'm thereby labeling you, dammit.

**TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER TWO OF THE ONE-SHOT, WHICH IS NOT REALLY A ONE SHOT BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WRITE IT ALL AT THE MOMENT SO THEREFORE IT WILL BE A ONE-TWO SHOT! DUNNN!**

Please Rate and Review, Brethren:D


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note - Sorry it took a while to write this…stuff happened. I planned on having this done last night, but nooo…anyways. Yeah, so I'm likin' the reviews I'm getting, and at this rate, who knows…? I MAY EVEN MAKE MORE. Heh heh heh. Anyways! Enough of this…more important things await you!**

**Oh, and another thing…yeah, I'm gonna make this even longer, now that I'm on a roll. It might even be a three-shot one-shot… :O**

_Disclaimer - Once again, I don't own Naruto, so leave me alone, bodaggit. weeps_

**Rated...!**  
T! For an old lady constantly hitting on Kakashi in strange, disturbing ways, language, emo-ness (for example, sasuke), et cetera.

**Chronic Tardiness, You Say?**  
**Part Two**

"…Kisame, I…" Itachi began, almost stuttering.

"Itachi…"

"Kisame…!"

"Oh, Itachi!"

"…Wait, what the duck!"

The two snapped out of it, wondering what had brought about the unexplainable romantic twist.

"Man, this bites…" Kisame began, sighing. He took another sip of his coffee, and waited a full five minutes before continuing, simply watching the old lady beat the stuffing out of the elite ninja, Kakashi. (Yeah, she's still at it.)

"…Oh, right. This really bites, because…I mean…dang it, that cane was not meant to be used in…oh, dear lord…" Kisame turned away from the window, a hint of a blush appearing on his face. Itachi's curiosity was piqued, and he too looked out the window…only to sweat visibly and turn away swiftly, gulping.

"…I don't even remember what I was going to say, anymore."

"You were saying something about how "this bites"…maybe you were talking about a shark, or something? I mean, they bite and stuff…"

Kisame simply stared at Itachi.

"Dude, I am a shark."

"I don't believe you, man." Was Itachi's swift, curt response. The two glared at each other.

"I'm a freakin' shark, bro, believe it." Kisame growled, showing off his teeth. Itachi mock-yawned, and began to hum.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Itachi smirked, apparently completely unaware that he had just lose the argument in favor of Kisame by his own comeback.

"A flippin' emo, that's what!" Kisame growled back, and Itachi gasped in a very womanly manner.

"You better take that back!"

"Or else what?"

"I'll cut myself, that's what!" Itachi shouted back, as the others in the starbucks ignored the two (just as they had done in the previous installment, though the two called the most attention to themselves.)

"WHAT THE…SEE, YOU ARE AN EMO!"

(Author's Note: Itachi rocks, I'm just adding this stuff in for comical…comical, uh…erm…dammit, it's my fic.)

"WAITER! GET ME A GOD DAMN SPOON!" Itachi shouted, spit coming out of his mouth.

"Ewww, that's nasty…" Kisame said, scrunching up his face.

"SHUT UP, SHARK-BOY! I'M BEATIFUL! I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS!"

"Why are we yelling at each other!"

"I DUNNO, YOU GOD DAMN DOLPHIN!"

"I'M A SHARK, DAMMIT!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!"

"YES I…Why the freakin' beans are we still yelling?"

"I'LL CUT MYSELF, I WILL! AND…AND THEN I'LL CUT YOU!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, DOOFUS!"

"SHUT UP, YOU FRIGGIN' SHARK!"

- Meanwhile, Outside the peaceful realm of star bucks… -

"Please, Ma'am, All I…"

Finally, after what seemed to have been nearly an hour of non-stop beating by an old lady with a cane, she stopped, glaring down at him.

"…All I wanted was…to h-help you cross t-the street…" He wheezed, finding it hard to speak.

The old woman grinned. "You don't know who I am, do you!"

Suddenly, the starbucks across the street exploded violently, leaving no chance whatsoever of survivors. A moment after that, two lone survivors walked out of the debris, unscathed. No one even seemed to have noticed the explosion, due to the fanfic's lack of anything that made perfect sense.

"Kisame, I don't know why we were arguing just a moment ago, but that explosion certainly set my head back on straight. We forgot our original purpose!"

"Yes, of course!" Kisame shouted, strangling his comrade in excitement.

Itachi glared at him menacingly, and he let go, pouting like a little kid.

"To…KIDNAP…HERRR!" Itachi yelled dramatically (and also very, very OOC, such as the way he's been acting this whole fic), struck a pose, and pointed at the old lady, his teeth ping-ing just like Gai-Sensei. Kisame struck a similar pose, though was insignificant compared to Itachi's shining figure.

Kakashi groaned, managing to turn his head slightly to see who was causing all the ruckus…and gasped.

"What the…Why are you two here? What business does Akatsuki have with this woman!"

"…Akatsuki? Whatever do you mean…? I have heard of no such organization, nor am I affiliated with them." Was Itachi's response, though he had somehow managed to disguise himself in a woman's dress and a false mustache in the time it had taken Kakashi to finish his counts fingers two sentences.

Kisame chuckled, standing next to Itachi. He was dressed in a rather swell tuxedo, wearing a false hairpiece. "Why, Marlene, do you have any idea what this poor, deluded soul is blathering on about, my dear?"

Itachi giggled in a very womanish manner (he was good at that), blushing.

"Oh, why, of course not, my wonderful husband! Why would I associate myself with such people?" She…dammit, he…continued chuckling.

The old lady wasn't fooled. She growled, pointing a finger at the two of them.

"You two call those disguises!"

_Dammit, she's on to us!_ Kisame thought, sweat beginning to form on his brow.

_Hmmm, this dress really compliments my eyes…yes. God, I am hot as a female._ Itachi thought, completely ignorant to the situation surrounding him.

Kakashi, However, simply stared at the two.

"What the…where did…who are you people?" Kakashi asked, dumbfounded. The old lady stared at him, mouth agape in awe. This jounin, this elite ninja, who had a freakin' sharingan eye, to boot, didn't see through their disguises!

"You BAKA! You call yourself a ninja!" The old woman yelled, but Kakashi seemed to be too busy staring, eye wide, at Itachi's female disguise (complete with false mustache).

"Oh…sweet kami…How I have dreamt of such a beautiful presence to grace my pleasure-less life!" Kakashi shouted dramatically, falling to the ground, weeping tears of happiness.

"…Dammit Itachi, this is degrading." Kisame said, glaring at the man in the dirt before them.

"I dunno Kisame, don't you think…I mean, I kind of enjoy…"

Kisame stared incredulously at his partner.

"…I mean, yeah, this is stupid."

The two ripped off their disguises, revealing, once again, their akatsuki outfits underneath. Kakashi gasped, jumping to his feet, panting.

"…How could you trick me like that...?"

Itachi chuckled darkly, which was followed by a fit of pure, unadulterated evil laughter.

"Bwahahahaha! My elite concealment skills have once again proven too much for my competition to handle! Now I, Uchiha Itachi, Akatsuki elite and master of the sh-sharingun…spareisgone…"

Kisame sighed, fighting back the urge to slap his forehead.

"…Sharingan…" He muttered.

"…SHARINGAN eye! Yeah, that's what I'm master of."

Kakashi growled, glaring the two down, who simply smiled idiotically in return.

"Why do you want the old lady, anyways? HUH? ANSWER ME, IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

Itachi lept up into the air, squeeling, apparently high on evil.

"BECAUSE…"

He paused for a moment in mid-air, a blank expression painted upon his face. He looked to his shark-like comrade for some help.

"What was it again, dolphin-man?"

"…Because…"

Kakashi held his breath…

"…Because…?"

Itachi grinned. "Because…" Though he didn't know the reason himself.

Kisame grinned as well, chuckling in a very evil manner. "Because this woman is…!"

**TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART THREE OF THE THREE-SHOT ONE-SHOT WHICH DOESN'T REALLY MAKE THE STORY QUALIFIED TO BE A ONE-SHOT ANYMORE BUT I'M CALLING IT THAT ANYWAYS! YAHHH!**

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grins

I'm so dang evil…I love cliffhangers, even if they're stupid. So anyways, this turned out to be more than just a one-shot, so…  
Stayed tuned for part three:O


	3. Author's Note

I'm so sorry! I haven't updated forever, and it's unfair to keep you guys and gals waiting, so please, PLEASE forgive me! throws himself upon the ground and weeps in shame

Anyways...the reason behind my recent inactiveness was vacation and (gulps) getting stuff ready for school.

As I am right now, I am completely exhausted from being stuffed within a hot, stuffy car for over 7 hours...the experience was mind-numbing because I had nothing to do, thus I simply sat, looked out the window, and let my brains fry for hours on end.

That's pretty much it. Patience! I shall try my hardest to get everything back up by tommorow! I haven't abandoned my fics!

-Sincereleh, KingKyuubi 


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